Well. There are two things that are very apparent here. 1) I lack consistency and 2) I am getting old.
It has officially been a year since I graduated college. It somehow feels like forever ago and just yesterday all at the same time. While reminiscing with Brittany about life and our forgotten blogs, I came across my high school memory lane post and thought it was the cutest thing ever. At the time of writing it, it seemed like I had gone through this existential, spiritual, transformative time of my life. In a way, I did, I mean went though a good amount of changes but that is what happens inevitably as time passes. So I decided to do that same for my college years. so that in four more years when I am 27 and retired, I can look back and thing wow, I was so cute and innocent back then.
In all seriousness, it was really nice to able to look back at those four years at a glance. And though these past four years are more regularly documented than my high school years, if anything this will be a nice thing to look back on when I am feeling nostalgic in another six months. It's my mini year book since that's just not a thing in college.
Unlike my high school post which gave very little context to what actually happened during those years, I want to attempt to sum up my four years in four short (medium) sized blerbs, give or take.
So let's begin.
FIRST YEAR
For the record, I attended UC Davis but since I am the only one one reading this besides maybe Brittany that seems irrelevant to mention. Looking back now I was not ready to go to college. I wasn't ready to be away from my family and friends and I went in with a closed off mind set. I wanted to have such a great college experience. I wanted it so badly that I did all the things you're not supposed to do. I limited myself so much to the point where I didn't give anything or anyone a chance. I didn't know who I was, and had a hard time connecting with people because I felt so lost myself. The outcome of this turned out to be one of the hardest and loneliest years that I've endured thus far. And I became so ashamed of myself and the situation that I had gotten myself into that I didn't want to admit to anyone how bad it really was. I even considered transferring because I was so miserable. And I became severely depressed. There were weeks where I would barely leave my bed, only to go eat a meal or two. I would lie and say that I was out at a party to seem like I was normal and fine, when I was really in my dorm room by myself. Or when I did finally leave my room to go to party, I acted like someone so foreign to me and I did things that I didn't want to do but did to say that I did. And then I felt even more disappointed in myself. Even to this day, I've still avoid being transparent with how things really were that year. But it's a part of me and most importantly, no matter how hard I tried to ignore this year of my life, it's a part of my college experience. This section will be a bit different than the other three because I have deleted most photos from this year. I am foremost, a picture hoarder so the fact that I've deleted almost all traces of this year off my facebook, phone and instagram says something about how dark this year was for me. You'll notice the amount of photos that belong to each year goes up each year. But I don't think I would be where I am or who I am today without this year. So I am finally acknowledging it. Because I felt like such a fucking failure, I decided that I wanted to get an internship for the summer, to prove that I was not as useless and minuet as I felt. Enter LookMazing. My first job. And I started to feel a little less useless.
SECOND YEAR
Things were better but not amazing yet. I had my own apartment instead of the dorms but ended up with a random roommate who was nice but we weren't close by any means. I joined a sorority and was slightly more social. My self esteem was still relatively low and my need to feel wanted and to fit in were still extremely high. Everything gave me anxiety still but I was much better than my first year. This is the year that I met Becky, Lauren, Lynn, Danimae, and Kaylee although me and Kaylee still weren't close. I started to become a little more independent and I started to not hate myself. I had my days where I cut myself off from the world but I tried to not isolate myself so much. I still had a lot of social anxiety and was still very awkward with meeting new people. I still had the fear that no one liked me and that I was a pathetic loser. I was still very closed off and I held back a lot. My anxiety just prevented me from truly enjoying any of my time completely. It was always in the back of my mind worrying about what others were thinking of me and how others were viewing my life. And every so often my freshman year would come back to haunt me. Also it did not help that all my friends were a different age than me so I still felt relatively like an outsider. But I agreed to live with Lynn and Kaylee the next year and so my second year was finished. Oh also I got another internship in PR and my infamous job at Old Navy. Gotta pay your dues right?? Long Live Old Navy.
THIRD YEAR
The comeback year!!! This year I look back on with such joy. My third year was my metamorphosis of college. I gained self confidence everyone. Like true self confidence. What a concept! This is the year that I met my precious Leah and became close with the one and only Kaylee. Living with Lynn and Kaylee was great, roommates can really affect your life man. Leah is the first good memory of my third year. I never really felt super connected to my sorority until Leah. She gave me a reason to show up to things more and then once we got close I stopped going to things again because I got too comfortable. Then there was Halloween. Kaylee and I randomly decided to go to Cal for halloween and honestly I think that is when we truly started becoming friends. I still don't know what made us decide to do this but this was one of the first times I did something kinda spontaneous, it was great. I started gaining more confidence talking to the male species. And I'm going to be very transparent here. I never got attention from guys in the past. Almost never. I was relatively invisible to most. I don't think most guys at my high school or my first two years of college even thought twice about me so the fact that some guys were starting to notice me without me being a super dumb drunk sloppy gross freshman, was a big deal for me. My social anxiety got better with time and I learned how to actually have fun. Like real, genuine fun. I learned what it was like to be a dumb college kid. Again, I was very much in my shell the first 20 years of my life. I started letting go more and taking risks. Trying to experience as much as I could. I started parting my hair in the middle which was revolutionary really. Truly life changing. I felt worthy and alive for the first time in a long time. And to make things better I got to work at Fenty Beauty. I actually had a panic attack, a full fledged panic attack because I felt like too many good things were happening to me and that it was some sort of fluke in my life. It makes me so sad to think that I was ever at a point where I thought that I would never truly be happy ever. And I am so glad that I was wrong. And so, the little sad caterpiller turned into a less sad butterfly.
FOUTH YEAR
The final round. This year started off like a dream. I had just finished a great summer working and was off to Florence, Italy. Or my mom likes to refer to this as the best therapy I could have ever gotten. And she was right. I know everyone talks about how amazing abroad was. But this was more than visiting cool countries and making my life seem great on social media. It was about truly leaving home for the first time. And even though I learned to let go a little my third year, I learned from all the amazing people I met in my program how to really appreciate a moment and how to be unapologetically myself. And I finally learned the feeling of being relatively free of my social anxiety and I feel like I really gained back my spark and my personality that I lost my freshman year. These things slowly got built up but abroad set them free. I'm gonna sound super annoying and cliche going on about how I came back a changed woman but seriously I was different in a positive way. My sister said it was the happiest and most confident she had ever seen me. My cousin said I seemed so strong. And even people in my sorority said that I seemed older when I came back which they insisted was a good thing. Got a little more spontaneous and got a tattoo, which I love dearly. Then came my return back to Davis. Back to Kaylee. Back to my Rebecca. I was nervous that my friends back in Davis had all moved on without me but all that fear melted away and that is when I realized that things will were fine and that most time, things will usually turn out fine. The rest of the year can be defined by going to the bars too many times, embarrassing myself in front of boys, getting upset at dumb boys. and finally having the college experience I had always wanted. I know parts of this may sound like a humble brag of "look how great my life turned out" but coming from a place of wanting to disappear, not exist and being borderline suicidal. Thinking that I would never be happy and that I wasn't good enough. From feeling so isolated and hopeless to being able to say that I love college is big deal for me and I will never stop being proud of that.
So, thank you Davis. For giving me the hardest and best years of my life so far. Turns out you were a lesson and a blessing all in one. I'm so corny it's ridiculous. But in all honesty, I appreciate my college experience so much and wouldn't change a thing about it. If I hadn't gone through what I went went though, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And so far I am proud of the person I ended college as, and I'm proud of the person that I am becoming.
POST GRAD
To be continued. I am a year out but I feel like I'm still in transition mode. Yes, a lot has happened in a year but I'm not quite ready to tell that story yet as it's very much still in the beginning chapter.
So until next time, which no promises when that will be, who knows really.
But, until next time,
☾ SAM ✧
