A Chapter in My Life: Single and Unemployed

You know those trendy tweets that you see that say, "What would this chapter of your life be called?" Well, right now mine would be single and unemployed. Even though I'm not technically unemployed and have a full time temp job, I still am on the job hunt for something in my field of interest. And for the record, I am completely, 100% single. There is no question about that. Recently the bff Julia (http://whatwouldjuliado.weebly.com/) wrote about how job searching is a lot like dating and there could not be a truer statement. I believe the reason that I am both single and unemployed comes down to how I approach both entities. By nature, I am an extremely selective person, extremely stubborn and when I want something specific, I become extremely single minded. And this applies to both career and love life and honestly just life in general.

Last summer we all know I was able to experience what I have dubbed my "dream internship," and while it really helped me figure out what I might want to do, I am now stuck on it. I am fortunate to have an idea of what exactly I want to do, but now it's all I want. I could go for the super general entry jobs but I don't want to. Just like I could probably go on that Tindr date with that dude that was nice but again, I don't want to. Clearly, I am the same way when it comes to guys, once I find one that I'm interested in, I want only them. Now, this does not necessarily mean I am willing to just dive into a relationship right away because that scares me and I need to ease into that commitment, but I want exclusivity. If I like you, I will pursue only you and and I want you to pursue only me. I don't want to be the Kristina while my Dean goes off and "figures himself out" with D. Lo. It's one of the main reasons why I am not good at the non exclusive casual dating. I put all my eggs in one basket and when they fall through it stings like no other. When I get that rejection email from that dream job posting or when that guy I liked turns out to be just another f**kboy, it hits hard, But let me tell you, when I finally get that offer letter or when I get that first kiss or that "i really wanted to see you," text from that cute boy that I've been eyeing...when I get what I want, it is one of the most satisfactory feelings. And that overwhelming sense of "I did that, I achieved that," is extremely addicting and I've always said I have an extremely addictive personality.

When I tell people that I am like this, they tell me it's a good thing or they think I'm crazy and that I should change my approach both professionally and romantically. They'll tell me it's good that I know what I want or they'll say "you should just try it out, you might like it." Usually they are either referring to some job I have little interest in or dating apps. Now, I just want to clarify that I do not think I am above these things, they just aren't what I want right now. I am both people, I do know what I want, but sometimes I get down on myself and what I want just seems more and more unrealistic to attain. Maybe my experience is not enough to land the jobs in the field that I want. Maybe I missed out on a great guy because I was focusing on someone else. But I can't help it.

This is something that I have slowly learned about myself throughout the years and is something that I both love and hate about myself. I love how determined I can be, I love how passionate I am, I love that when I truly want something or find interest in something I genuinely put my everything into it, in an almost consuming way. But sometimes it can feel like I have tunnel vision and I start to wonder if I'm doing everything wrong. The most frustrating part is when people don't understand it. But like I mentioned earlier, I am also very stubborn and if I am going to achieve something, I am going to achieve it the way that I want to. And if that means being a receptionist a little longer until I find something I really want or being so single that I wake up in the middle of the night cuddling my pillow instead of another human until I find someone I truly connect with, then so be it. Like everyone says, I know what I want.

So for now I am single and unemployed. Sounds like a sad life right? Well, I've learned that while it is okay to let yourself feel a little sad sometimes because it is not realistic to always be happy, eventually you have to look at positive side of things. For example, yes I may not have my career job yet, but I am able to live rent free, I do have a decent paying job right now even though I say unemployed and this job allows me to look for other jobs while working. Also, let's not forget that for awhile there before she landed her dream profession, Rachel from Friends was "just a waitress." So I'll get to where I want to be and I'll keep telling myself this until I get there.

If I am in the exact same position in a year then I may need to reevaluate but for now, I am fine.

Until next time,

☾ SAM ✧

#2017 #personal