It is currently Jan. 3, 2017 and I just saw Moana. Twice. Amazing, but i cried throughout the whole thing. Happy tears, sad tears, just a lot of tears. Here’s why. The movie was about feeling out of place and leaving home for the first time. It's about trying to find who you are and make it on your own. I especially cried during the scene where she returns home after having gone through so many experiences that no one can fully understand. For me that was Italy. It was indescribable. Like moana being out on the sea, I finally felt in my element. This is something I have desperately wanted since I started college, and something that I never truly found until I went abroad. Being in Florence made me want to do more and be more, a lot like how I felt in New York. I was able to make beautiful friendships so quickly, with people that have impacted me more than they know. Since being back from Italy it’s been interesting. Yeah, let's just keep it at interesting. I am happy to be home, in a sense, but i have to admit I feel a bit lost, a bit out of place and in all honesty, I'm scared.
Looking back on 2016, for many and globally, it was a rough year, but for me personally 2016 was unbelievably and undoubtedly one of the best years I have lived thus far. I truly feel like I have learned so much about myself. I look back on how I have grown this past year and I am so proud of myself, I really am. A couple years ago I dreamed of being where I was, both metaphorically (mentally) and literally (Europe) because at the time it never seemed like something that was feasible, at least not at that point in my life. I never really thought that I could be this content. and then things just started happening, good things, amazing things really–and it was overwhelming, to the point where I broke down and had a complete panic attack. Too many positive things were happening to me and I got scared. In a way I felt like it wasn’t supposed to be happening to me, that it wasn’t possible, that it wasn’t the life I was meant to have. On a certain level I felt like i wasn’t supposed to be that happy because I haven’t been really happy for the past five years. I'm so used to losing people and feeling so isolated and not good enough for the majority of the time that I’ve been in college that to feel anything beyond that terrified me. And it still does. In some ways I feel like right now I am the best possible version of myself that I have been in quite some time. Even my sister Monica said in her christmas card that I am the most confident she has ever seen me. And Stefanie told our family friends that I came back from Italy so much stronger and to hear those thoughts, coming from them especially, meant the world to me.
A year ago I wrote an end of the year blog post about what I wanted for myself during 2016. In short, I wanted to feel more, live more and experience more. When I look at where I was at the end of 2015 or even the beginning of 2016, I feel like I did a pretty damn good job of my 2016 goals. Before 2016 I was uncomfortable with my body and feeling confident in my own skin. Okay not uncomfortable exactly, but I didn’t embrace it. But I feel like I have made some steps in the right direction to achieving this. I let myself explore, I let myself not be embarrassed about wanting to embrace and accept myself as being a somewhat grown woman. I let myself feel good about how I looked. I let myself feel more confident.
I got to travel the world this year. Hawaii, New York, and so many amazing places in Europe that I will never be able convey my gratitude to my mom for and I will never be able to thank my mom enough for letting me take that opportunity to travel so much this year.
I was able to get my anxiety under control for the most part.
I got an incredible work opportunity this summer, to work on Rihanna’s makeup line. Like I still cannot believe that happened. And the best part is that I did it- all on my own. I applied, I interviewed, I went though many stress attacks, I got the job and didn’t f**k it up. I loved it. For once in the past few years I felt like I was good enough and capable of succeeding. For once I actually felt like I was good at something.
I took the first steps in being able to connect with someone intimately. Which is a big deal because intimancy is not something that I had ever been comfortable with previously. It intimidated me. The mere thought of getting close to someone scared me immensely. I finally let myself like someone. Even it wasn’t love, it was something. I met someone, was attracted to them and for once didn’t talk myself out of liking them. I didn’t let myself open up as much as I know I am probably capable of but that is going to take more time, but it’s a start.
I discovered that I can be happy. I mean feel truly, blissfully happy, and that I deserve to be happy. I did a lot this past year; I accomplished a lot. And I look at where I started the year off and where I ended it, and it’s strange to see that in fact, I am growing up, that I am slowly finding myself as a person and it’s exciting and scary all at the same time. We spend so long in elementary school, then middle school, then high school and then college and then all of a sudden 21 years have passed and you see your life before you and how its transitioning into something completely unknown. And now I feel like I just came off of a high that was this year, and I don’t really know where to go from here. I’m coming from my little study abroad bubble back to Davis, I'm about to graduate in two quarters and have no idea how to even grasp the idea of the adult world. I don’t have a path, and I feel like I'm suspended in the air. I finally lifted myself off the ground this past year after feeling like I was being buried alive and I feel like this year has been a lot of ups and now I realize how far I am off the ground and I look down and it scares me. I look back on my past and some of it is really starting to feel like a different life time and again, it scares me.
I don’t want to forget who I was, and I'm constantly struggling to try to hold on to my roots and still grow and develop into who I want to be. It’s been harder trying to adjust to my life in the states after being in Italy than I thought it would be. And the worst part is no one wants to talk about how you went abroad and how it “changed” you. But it does in ways that no one will ever be able to understand. You go from feeling invincible-- traveling everywhere, feeling so free and independent, exploring the world. You think you are beginning to discover who you really are and you get to be whoever you want to be when you’re away, and then you come back and everything back in the states seems the same. You don’t want to revert back to who you were before but who you are now doesn’t seem to fit either and you just feel like you’re in a complete limbo. I went from the high of being abroad to coming home and realizing I have nothing in my life figured out. Absolutely terrifying.
I tried to think of things that I wanted for myself during this upcoming year and I'm having trouble to be perfectly honest. Because I look at this next year and after graduation, my tracks stop. I don’t know where I'm going to be and what I'm going to do. I could list things like, find a boyfriend and get a job but that seems so unsatisfactory and although these seem somewhat tangible, how tangible are they really? A lot of finding a job is out of my control, I can put in the effort but at the end of the day its up to someone else whether I get employed. Yes, i can put myself out there in terms of dating but lets be real I'm still picky and also, it's all about timing. and right now my life is anything but stable. So in theory, yes I want to get a job, yes I want to be loved, I mean who doesn’t but I want to grow, I want to expand my perspective and way of thinking about life.
So I guess, all I can really do is continue. Continue to want to live more and feel more. I want to let myself feel vulnerable, to really open up to someone, being abroad taught me that its possible at least on a friendship level, but I want to go deeper, I want raw passion, I want to know that it’s possible. Possible to be in love with someone, to know their flaws and still be so about them and have the know everything about me and still love me unconditionally. I want to keep my confidence and let it thrive. I am a fun, witty, intricate, empathetic person and its time to let someone else see that.
I want to feel appreciated and most importantly, worthy. I want to still feel capable, when job hunting starts I’m going to need it because bring on the rejection. So I guess, what I want for myself in 2017, is to not let myself just be, I don’t want to fall into a rut, I don’t want to retreat. I don’t want to leave behind all that I learned this past year, all that i’ve discovered. I want to continue to discover and to want and to be curious and to always be excited about what is to come. I don’t want to be so scared of everything. i want to be able to face my fears, do the things that scare me. take risks, to continue to live. What I want for myself is to continue to live fully, fruitfully and a little unarmed.
and also to take care of my skin, tone my abs and whiten my teeth.
I am determined to keep going up, to keep being my own leading lady. So here is to– not the start of a new year– but a continuation of my life. here’s to being completely terrified of the future and realizing that it I am not alone, no matter how alone I feel, and that not having my life figured out is okay. I just need to take things day by day. So cheers to you, 2017, you are truly daunting.
Until next time,
☾ SAM ✧
