Peace Out 2015

So I just watched the movie New Years Eve and you know that part where Hilary Swank makes the speech about the ball being suspended so we can reflect on ourselves? Well here is my self reflection for the past year. Just in time for New Years Eve.

So I am currently on winter break, which means I am back in my home town living with my mom and sister and back to my life that I lived before I went off to college. Normally, I come home for break, eat and sleep a lot, bask in the joy of family and friend outings and laughter and then grudgingly go back to school. But something happened this break, I am beginning to miss my life in Davis. Not the school class part, obviously because school sucks. (Grateful for my education but I still can hate school a little.)

But why? I never miss college honestly. What is there to miss? I love home. Home cooked food, my cat, my bed, I love being home with my family and friends. And then I realized, maybe I am growing into my own being...maybe I am becoming my own person...maybe I am starting to create a life for myself away from this home. Now that is all being a bit dramatic because we all know I am not capable yet of 100% leading my own life just yet in terms of independence and financial reasons, but I think my outlook on my life and who I am has definitely shifted in this past year.

This is a big deal because I feel like a lot of people start coming into their own in their teens or at least coming into the first phase of themselves as I believe we are always changing and developing. I think I did come into the first phase of myself at that age, but it wasn't what I expected. Most people start experimenting with adultish things but I didn't. Mainly because at the prime age of 16, a pivotal age in my opinion, my dad passed away. Instead of being a stupid and young 16 year old I had to deal with this. I pushed through and continued my life of SAT tutoring, high school stress and applying to colleges, but I kind of put the whole- discover who I am- on hold. At that time, it was the only way to keep going with all my other responibilites.

When I look back, I do not regret how I spent my teen years or how I dealt with my dad's death. Every decision I have made in my life has led me to who I am today. However, I do think that ever since he passed, because I was in such a non lucid place with knowing who I was as a person, I've been holding myself back in attempts to salvage the 16 year old I used to be. I think this is because I felt like if I grew out of that person and left that person behind, that I would be leaving my dad and the life we shared with each other behind. For so long I was just so afraid of change and to change as a person. It was almost like I didn't know how I fit into my own life or how to be a person without my dad. And the only person I knew how to be was that 16 year old, so I just clung to it.

Up until this past year or even up until the last six months really, every time I would go out or do "normal teen things," or dress a little more mature, I would feel guilty almost that I was not being that person anymore. I think this is a contributing factor to why I never talk to my family about certain subjects such as parties, sex and boys and why I never swear in front of them. It makes me uncomforable for them to see me as a being older, to see me as someone other than that young and innocent 16 year old. You are probably thinking, "why would you feel that way?" But that is like asking a depressed person the same thing. It just is.

In order to preserve this 16 year old self, I continued to play the part of the innocent and timid younger sister/cousin/niece/daughter. I played the part of "cute little sammy." I played the part of the "always a bridesmaid and never the bride." Part of the reason I did this was because of me, but those around me played a contributing factor too. For example, last year my sorority particiapted in a dance competition for a philanthropy and there was a part of the dance that could be considered "sexy," (it really was not that sexy tbh) and when my fam watched it they made comments about how it was weird to see me dance that way because I am "little sammy," but that is not who I am or want to be anymore.

In the Holiday (I watched a lot of movies this break clearly), Arthur, the cute old guy, says to Iris (Kate Winslet), "in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend." Now I know he says this to Iris, but I think it can be applied to anyone. Iris then says, "You're so right, You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God's sake!" Preach Iris, preach. So I think I finally realized it's time to be the leading lady of my own life. To not be that 16 year old and to fully step into my own. I am 20 now and almost 21 and this past year I think I have finally realized that it is okay to grow up. I think I am the last person in my life to realize this honestly but whatever.

So with all of this, I am going to be super cliche and write a list of things I want for my leading lady life in the new year and beyond. Not resolutions exactly, but just some things to keep in mind or reminders to myself to try to be as happy as I can be this next year.

1. Say yes to more things aka don't be such a hermit. Take more risks. As all the wise people say, you will only regret the things you didn't do. So just do it (-Nike and Shia Lebouf.) I wanna experience more life as I am not getting any younger here.

2. Confidence goes a long way. I always have been one to admire humilty and am constantly making fun of myself like saying how awkward I am or how unphotogenic I am, but I think I also need to remember that it is okay to like yourself and compliment yourself too. I play into my own insecurites too often and it needs to stop honestly.

3. Work hard, play hard. I work hard in a lot of aspects in my life and I would like to think I am quite driven except when it somes to class. I like to play but when it comes to school work, I kinda slack. So it typically goes "work for the average and play anyways." But my grades this past quarter proved to me that I can actually do well in my college classes. So it's hopefully, work hard, play hard from now on.

4. Be more kind to people. I always say this but it is really is something I want to work on. So friends, when I compliment you, I really mean it.

5. Remember that change is inevitable and to just go with it. Sure, my family dynamic is not the same, but I need to remember that it honestly is never going to go back to the way it was and instead, I need to find a new way to find that happiness.

6. Be more open with talking to random people I meet. You never know who might become someone important in your life so why not give more people that chance.

7. Eat more fresh veggies and fruits. I love veggies and fruit but I find it hard to make these a consistent thing in my diet while away at school.

8. On that note, just eat more constantly -- if you know me, you know my issue.

9. Maybe exercise more than three times per quarter. This isn't about having a certain body type, but I do think it is important to be healthy. But also having some muscle and tone isn't so bad either. Also, I never know when I am going to find myself in the middle of a battle with like Kylo Ren so I gotta stay in shape for that moment so I can kick some ass.

10. Wash my hair more often. My hair just can't rock the third day hair like it used to.

11. Write in my planner more often. I do use it but for the money I paid for it, I need to step up my game.

12. Keep my room cleaner.

13. Try to gocery shop more efficently.

14. Try to find a solution to cure FOMO cause it sucks and is no way to live my life.

15. Live my life the way I want to no matter the judgement from others because these are my twenties. Time to start creating the life I want. Be the leading lady! This is very dramatic but I give no apologies. I feel like self relections are inevitably dramatic.

I have a lot to look forward to in 2016. I am trying to not set a lot of expectations because that is just how I roll. The less expectations, the less disappointment but I also don't want to prevent myself from feeling excited because being excited is fun. Normally, I am sad that a year is ending, but moving on is a good thing right now.

So peace out 2015, it's been fun, but 2016, let's do this thing.

To end this post and commemorate the past year here are my top nine instagram photos. Also I like having at least one photo in every post so that there's a thumbnail.

If you wanna listen to my life this past year then read my post before this one. Do it, do it.

Stay happy and stay healthy folks.

AND Happy New Years Eve Eve!

Until next time,

☾ SAM ✧

#personal #life #newyears #2015 #2016