The "D" word. The word that us humans, so desperately try to avoid and postpone for as long as humanly possible. The word that is the only inevitable thing in life. Death. Now I may only be 19 years old, but unfortunately I have dealt with more than my fair share of death since the age of 7 and I would give anything to not be able to say that. But no matter how many deaths you go through, it never ever ever gets any easier to deal with. When you go through losing a close loved one and you somehow make it through the days without going insane, at some point, someone will say something along the lines of "I don't know how you got through that." And as someone who has been on the receiving line of that sentence, I can honestly say that I don't know either. No freaking clue. But here's the catch, when you deal with death you never get through it, you are always going through it. I have found dealing with death comes in stages. The stages are not definite and they are different for every person and every situation. But here is what I have to say about my personal stages with dealing with death. Stage I The Zombie Phase: This was my first stage after losing my father three years ago from a biking accident. I cried and then I didn't cry at all. I went into what I like to call, "zombie mode." I was there and I was living but I wasn't really living. Most of junior year for me is blur and the moments I do remember, it feels like I'm watching a dream rather than reliving a moment. This was my attempt at shutting off my emotions to prevent the gut wrenching pain of losing my father. I mourned when it happened, I truly did, but I needed to find a way to move forward and deal with this lovely thing called life and unfortunately life does not pause under any circumstances, it can only leave you behind. Stage II The Breakdown Phase: This phase comes and goes. But this is when all that bottled up emotion and anger and sadness come rushing out as a result from Stage I. I still deal with this phase and will probably always deal with this phase. Stage III The WTF Phase: This is when I re-realize what actually happened, and that it actually happened and that this whole dealing with death cycle is never ending. All I can say is WTF. Since losing my father I have been dealing with it every single day since it happened. Some days are better than others, but there is never a day that goes by that I am not affected by his loss. Sometimes, even now, especially now, I just lay in bed and think to myself, "I can't believe he actually is gone forever; I can't believe it happened." I mean I know that it happened but it still can not believe that it actually happened. Seriously, WTF. Stage IV The Self Reflecting Phase: This is when I realize all that I have been through and I attempt to decipher how I have been affected in order to sort out the crazy and tangled maze that is my mind. Death changes you. For myself, it has made me emotionally unavailable semi-permanently. It has made me morbid, which I do not resent, I personally think it gives me a grasp on reality. Despite being emotionally stunted when it comes to relationships and real life people, death has made me more emotional. I know I just contradicted myself, but I find that I cry all the time now. I was always a cry baby when I was younger but that was baby Sam being overly sensitive. But I never used to cry at movies, books or anything of that nature. Now I cry at everything: movies, books, YouTube videos, etc. And then I realize that I will never be the same person as I was during the summer of 2011. I mean, everyone changes from year to year, but I lost an innocence when my father died. The summer of 2011 was the most enjoyable summer to date for numerous reasons, one being that was the summer before my dad died, but regardless it was a just really happy summer. If i had to cast a Patronous Charm, without a doubt my happy memory would derive from that summer. But I will never be the person that I was when things were happy and relatively simple (compared to now.) Another WTF moment. A big WTF WHYYY. Stage V The Screw Life Phase: This is when I realize that life sucks a lot, that bad things will happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it. All I can do I deal with it the best that I can and move on with my life. And then I do. I go and and take life day by day, just trying to take everything with a grain of salt. I have my good days and my bad days and my meh days but regardless I try to move forward. But then stages II, III and IV come along again. Thus the never ending cycle of dealing with death. So the next time I get the "I don't know how you got through that," phrase I will just direct them to this post.
"After all this time? Always."
Until next time,
☾ SAM ✧
